Suffocating

I feel like I'm always angry. It's fucking insane.

I keep forcing myself to do things because I know it's what other people want of me. My parents, my siblings, my friends. I keep forcing myself to be more than I am because my religion requires it of me.

The things my heart and mind desire from this life are beyond my means, even though theoretically, given the right circumstances, they should work.

I'm sick of having to be Godly. Sick of having to make every moment count. Sick of continually hearing a voice of guilt telling me that I'm not good enough.

I see a lot of stronger Christians. You know the ones. So deeply entrenched in the culture of it all that even their vocabulary has changed. They use words like "harvest" and "glory". They are totally detached from the real world even though ironically, their mission in life is to evangelise to it. I guess an easier way to put it is they're clones. The Christian Clone. I guess CC is apt since they all love acronyms too.

I have a list of greatest fears in my life. Becoming a CC is one of them. I'm still holding on to the world, simply because I don't want to let go and fall knee deep into the culture that makes a CC a CC.

Another fear is marrying or being in a relationship with anyone from my church, youth group or bible study. It scares me so much that I've in fact made a pact with myself and told other people about such pact, so that I will not settle... In fact I've made a pact that I will never settle for anyone that I already know.

I'm not the type of person to know someone as a friend first and then after years of knowing each other, develop feelings. I don't call that developing feelings, I call it drawn out compromise. After a series of years of knowing each other, you both make compromises as a result of your own inability to find someone you actually like. Eventually what happens is you start to convince yourself of all the reasons why you should want this person... It's a long and drawn out process. What is really happening is your lonliness is wearing down your resolve. It's manipulating you. The desire for companionship mixed with prolonged lonliness can be a deceptive concoction...

It is anything but natural.

That's another thing that's scary about life. Having to convince yourself. Getting to the point where you have to convince yourself of the things you believe. The things you feel. Whatever happened to honesty? I used to always live my life true to my emotions, however I may have felt. Ever since I've supposedly 'become' a Christian, all I do is restrain and it's fucking me up.

Perseverance, restraint, holding ones tongue... One can only take so much.

Wedding Crashes isn't exactly the most "Christian" movie out there. In fact it's downright crude and vulgar.

I laughed my ass off.

Technically it is supposed to be against my beliefs to laugh and things like that. Frivolity is a waste of time, useless banter is not to be encouraged. Especially when it involves topics such as virginity, sex and homosexuality.

All this is driving me nuts. The way I'm supposed to be living my life is completely suffocating me. What was I supposed to do? Frown and tell my friends I refuse to see the movie? Sit there in the cinema forcing back the laughter while shaking my head in disapproval? Cut out the section of my brain that finds cynical, smack talking cockyness funny?

So it all comes back to becoming a CC. The fear of becoming a lobotomised clone. They say Christianity changes you but it doesn't change your personality. Our experiences, the things we like and dislike. They all form our personality. To say that you can live a new way yet still retain your personality is a bit far fetched.

And finally. The sermon last week was telling us to cast off our burdens. The things that stand between us and God. I'm pretty girl crazy. How the heck am I supposed to cast that off. Become asexual... Maybe get some surgery done down there. Or maybe a lobotomy. It always comes back to the freakin lobotomies.

My friend and I concluded that in order to stop being so girl crazy, you have to find 'the one' that makes you feel settled. The ironic thing about this is that the search for 'the one' dominates you so much that you probably have an even greater obstacle sitting between you and God.

This is driving me nuts. The impossible quest to become a celebate, asexual being because God says I have to. As much as I try, honestly, I can't help liking girls more than I like God.

Man this whole post is just frustrated babbling.

I just wish I could live life and actually feel validated in the things I feel, say and do.